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orikesEven when you know it's coming sooner rather than later, losing someone is hard to face.
I found out on my way into work tonight (I was literally walking in the building when my phone rang) that my mother passed away today. She had a massive coronary and even though the paramedics and the doctors tried their hardest, she was gone.
She was 65, due to be 66 in August. She smoked and drank most of her life and only quit smoking when she had to have open heart surgery a couple years ago. Because of the drinking, she also had neurological damage that caused her to have Parkinsons-like symptoms. Ultimately, she never really put much effort into taking care of herself, so we knew that this day was coming.
But honestly, I thought I'd have a little more time with her. I thought there'd be a couple more years at least. I saw her on Christmas and told her I loved her, but I forgot to call her and wish her a Happy New Year on Tuesday. I loved her, but she drove me insane on so many levels. Now it's just.. over.
I'm glad of a few things. First, that she went quickly. We watched my maternal grandmother whither away into nothing, spending months in the hospital on machines that were artificially keeping her alive. My mother never wanted that after watching her mother go through it. The second thing I'm glad of is that my mother and father talked on Christmas Eve for the first time in five years. I think I'm almost more grateful for that for my father than for my mother. He has held such guilt for the divorce eight years ago, especially since her health declined so rapidly. But either way, they talked and it was a good conversation.
I'm sitting home tonight, cuddling with my cats. I've made a few calls and took a few calls. Tomorrow I go with my uncle to make the arrangements at the funeral home. Just three hours ago, it was a normal day and I was rushing around the house getting ready to go to work.
It's strange how life is.
I found out on my way into work tonight (I was literally walking in the building when my phone rang) that my mother passed away today. She had a massive coronary and even though the paramedics and the doctors tried their hardest, she was gone.
She was 65, due to be 66 in August. She smoked and drank most of her life and only quit smoking when she had to have open heart surgery a couple years ago. Because of the drinking, she also had neurological damage that caused her to have Parkinsons-like symptoms. Ultimately, she never really put much effort into taking care of herself, so we knew that this day was coming.
But honestly, I thought I'd have a little more time with her. I thought there'd be a couple more years at least. I saw her on Christmas and told her I loved her, but I forgot to call her and wish her a Happy New Year on Tuesday. I loved her, but she drove me insane on so many levels. Now it's just.. over.
I'm glad of a few things. First, that she went quickly. We watched my maternal grandmother whither away into nothing, spending months in the hospital on machines that were artificially keeping her alive. My mother never wanted that after watching her mother go through it. The second thing I'm glad of is that my mother and father talked on Christmas Eve for the first time in five years. I think I'm almost more grateful for that for my father than for my mother. He has held such guilt for the divorce eight years ago, especially since her health declined so rapidly. But either way, they talked and it was a good conversation.
I'm sitting home tonight, cuddling with my cats. I've made a few calls and took a few calls. Tomorrow I go with my uncle to make the arrangements at the funeral home. Just three hours ago, it was a normal day and I was rushing around the house getting ready to go to work.
It's strange how life is.
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Date: 2008-01-04 01:26 am (UTC)